Are You Judging Me?

I know we’ve all been on the outside of a breakup whether it’s a friend, a celeb, or even a parent. But if you’ve never experienced one yourself… you’re in for a treat.

In my most recent breakup, I knew all the judgment was on me. Even from my closest friends. “How could you do this, Chandler? You seemed so happy.” But isn’t that the thing about relationships? You actually don’t know what the fuck is going on.

The internet is a scary place. You see the highlight reel of the happy bits but how can you really judge where anyone is actually at? Recently, a very popular internet couple broke up over allegations of infidelity, and everyone and their mom jumped in with an opinion. (This isn’t that.) Still, I was genuinely disturbed by how many people felt entitled to weigh in on a relationship they thought they knew.

And here’s where I want to pivot for a second: they were an internet couple. What did you expect?

That realization made me step back and think about my own internet-famous friends, and honestly… that made me even more upset. Who the fuck are we to judge?

I went through what one might call a very Brooklyn bubble breakup not too long ago. If you’re new here: my ex and I ended things in a very personal, very dramatic way, and well the chips fell where they fell. But for a long time, I walked around feeling judged and scared. I took myself online and buried myself deep in therapy.

Then my best friend said something that stuck with me: your breakup is about a choice that’s neither right nor wrong (I guess, lol). It’s about what makes you feel better afterward. What’s your goal? Is it revenge? Is it growth? Is it freedom? All of those look and feel very different. And unless you’re in close proximity to a relationship, you may never actually know.

We shame so much in this world, but a relationship is personal. And don’t even get me started on the spectators who’ve never had one. Yes, people argue that influencers “open themselves up” to commentary but they really don’t. They’re showing you a fraction of their day-to-day life.

In full transparency, I can remember an exact moment with my ex: we fought so badly on a group trip. The next day, we made up and took the most beautiful photos. No one would’ve known I was throwing his wallet at him the night before. Lol. Perception is powerful and it’s almost always incomplete.

I’ve had this conversation with so many people post-breakup, and the truth is this: whether you have 10 followers or 10 million, the judgment is coming. I had to learn to block out the noise and focus on what my goal actually was. In the beginning, I don’t think I even knew. But over time, I figured it out. And once you take the focus off what everyone else thinks, it becomes a lot easier to lean into what you need.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect. I’ve judged relationships before too. But after going through my own fire, I had to look in the mirror.

So the next time you feel like being a little Judge Judy, maybe pause and do the same. Because yes… I’ll be judging you. Lol.